Keep Calm and Read On
March 24, 2023 | Nicolet, Mauricie, Québec
Photo Credit: Siora Photography on Unsplash
Content warning: mentions of emotional abuse.
Reading has always been my favourite hobby, but only recently did I figure out why—and it’s not something you’d really expect. My mom started teaching me the alphabet and reading pretty early, and even though no one in my family is a reader, I developed an obsession.
As a kid, when my mom would ground me, or take anything away, I would tell her it was ok since I deserved it. Only once did she threaten to take away my books, but oh my gosh, the fit I threw. It was my first major tantrum in years; I was around ten years old at the time. Not a normal response for someone in grade five, I would say… Fortunately, I had too many books for it to be a reasonable punishment, so I probably just lost TV privileges for a week.
Why was I so obsessed with reading? Well, it provided a means of escape from my home life. I definitely didn’t have the best childhood, but it wasn’t the worst, either. Simply put (and trigger warning here), my step dad emotionally abused us to make himself feel better about repeatedly leaving us to do drugs and “be with” girls who just became adults… I only learned the second part when I was in high school, which may have been worse since I was about the same age as them. So, since I couldn’t escape it, I would deep dive into books, mostly fantasy. When I mean deep dive, I mean that you had to poke me for me to notice someone was talking to me. This is called escapism, which basically means that I looked for distraction and relief in my books where I could pretend things weren’t happening and simply pretend.
“Why was I so obsessed with reading? Well, it provided a
means of escape from my home life.”
After I graduated, I was able to finally get in to talk to a good therapist who specialized in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy to process my suppressed memories and actually heal. Funny thing was, after completing my sessions, I stopped reading so much. I didn’t understand it for the longest time until I watched a reel about two years ago, and someone pointed out that I used reading as my escapism since it was the best coping technique I had available. This was something I kind of knew but finally had someone put into words for me. My reading was highest while my stepdad was with us and dropped when he left us when I was about 16. I had blamed my lack of reading on school; I was just too busy with my future to read all the time anymore.
“Reading used to be my protection from the outside world; now, it’s my ideal way to pass the time, and I no longer assume the character's personality to avoid dealing with myself. I like who I am, who I became, and who I am growing up to be.”
I am now almost 25 years old and back to reading a bunch, but this time, it’s purely for enjoyment. I still read a lot (23 books so far this year!), and it’s no longer to escape my reality. Reading used to be my protection from the outside world; now, it’s my ideal way to pass the time, and I no longer assume the character's personality to avoid dealing with myself. I like who I am, who I became, and who I am growing up to be. Trauma is trauma, no need to compare, we just need to heal from it. Therapy with the right person and support can help you work through it all. While I try not to regret my life choices, I do regret not seeking support sooner. My choices made me who I am today, and hopefully, someone else can connect with some of these feelings, too, no matter the hobby that protects you from your situation. Therapy is not a bad word, so let’s just keep calm and read on.
Author
Savannah Leroux
Community Liaison (Nicolet, Mauricie)
for Y4Y Québec
